You know all this, right?
Billy: Why do you pick fights?
Me: Because
Billy: But Why?
Me: I dunno
Billy: I just don’t understand why. You just picked that fight out of nowhere.
Me: Because I hang out with a 2 year old all day.
Billy: That’s no excuse.
Me: Yes it is. She does inappropriate things for attention. Me too.
I can’t believe I am admitting this. Sometimes I do pick fights to get attention from my husband. Being too lazy or tired or maybe even-ahem-emotionally immature I every so often get unexplainably nasty just for some good old negative attention. We spend so much of our time together cooking, cleaning, feeding, changing, bathing, loving other small people, that when it’s all said and done…I am a bit needy. When I feel needy I see it as a weakness. When I see weakness in myself I don’t like myself. When I don’t like myself I can get grumpy. When I get grumpy, I sometimes take it out on my husband.
This in not something I easily admit to. It is not a good thing. I am far from proud. It’s very immature and not conducive to creating harmony. I know it hurts his feelings. Plus it wastes good time. And I plan on not doing it anymore. I will not pick fights. There. I said it.
So right now, in honor of him and in honor of my decision to stop being a petty fight-picker, I write all this. Maybe this is sacred subject matter. But since I think I am my only audience (besides my husband himself) not to mention the fact that nothing is really sacred when you are a writer, I am going to let it all out. He deserves some words in space.
I love him. I adore him. I worship him. I am blessed from Venus Herself and was struck with an arrow from her right-hand cupid. Not only does love live with us, but fun, loyalty, passion, creativity and friendship. He is partner, muse, confidant. He is my patient guide and teacher as well as my attentive and amused student. He is my lover of all lovers of all lifetimes before now and evermore. And I will never forget the day I set eyes on him (the 3rd time I saw him) and fell madly in love. He was tall and dressed in a wet suit. He was tattooed. A spear was in one hand, a bag of fish in the other. He high-kneed it out of the Pacific early that morning on to the beach I was frolicking on. Topless I might add.
He climbs mountains alone and sleeps naked under the stars. He lifts very heavy things. He fathers like a mellow wind. He makes good sushi and chili. He’s a really great driver. He can sail a boat. He catches fish with a spear. He doesn’t care if the house is clean. He says I’m a good writer. And the music he creates and sends in waves throughout the atmosphere will always make me feel like a young and limber Goddess.
He makes great babies. He knows how to breath with me to get the great babies out. He builds dreams with me. He believes in Gods. I hope to leave this great plane holding his hand.
A poem for my sweet William (originally constructed when we first met, but revisited almost 10 years later)
You Know All This, Right?
It’s good to be so wet.
It’s good to be so wet like you alone so long alone under that sea In that suit when I fell in Alone So long Under that sea It’s good I swear I have met you somewhere before Changes now For me It’s good, good I swear It’s good I have met you before
My eyes Get big Just thinking About how different And wet Lovely really My sea Is so Different This whole thing is It might sound weird but I have seen your hair your face that scar on your hand that mark on your leg I swear I met You somewhere Before
I am so loud And big And red But still The same Changes for me And you This time And yes You are small And strong And blue Me right over It might sound strange but You know I’ve seen That scar On your knee That mark On your leg Your hair Your face Your eyes Look into my sea
You make my hands Strong And crafty Lady Like And long And my legs Seem to move Right Higher Smoother And my hips seem To swing rounder wider harder my eyes are grounded like roots to your tree my prize is Like I am from Somewhere else Another city State Continent Space But not here Not me The one I knew From before Changes Change Is good
You are small And strong And blue Me over I can see why the sky Become so drunk And stuffed With moon So quickly When we met On the sand How could we help it
Your eyes Look into my sea And my hands Are strong now And you Did it And they Those legs are so high Up there behind My head Is full With you And I fall over Myself But now I can keep my feet On the ground I can see why Stretched up there Is fine You go ahead You can I know you like it The sky became So drunk And stuffed With moon So quickly and how We really Couldn’t Help it Go ahead Put your head into My sea There Anytime I hope You like it.
