misplaced mama

I’m leaving my husband. I’m leaving my home. I’m leaving my dogs. I’m leaving the small community of friends I have in Phx-town. I am leaving all the errands, the routines, and big box store shopping plazas. I’m leaving the low desert, the saguaros, and octillo. My girls and I are going goat sitting in the rolling mountains of California. We’ll be gone fo 6 weeks. I’m scared shitless.

When my friends told me they needed a goat/cat/garden sitter while they journied throughout Mexico and Guatamala for their honeymoon, I thought: how cool, wish I could do it. I absolutely love where they call home. They live in a funky manufactured home, painted bright yellow, on a 5 acre farm with horses, chickens (owned by the landlord) and goats (well, 3 goats and 1 fella that looks like an Impala imposter who has knocked up 2 of the ladies). The farm is located in Ojai, CA a tight valley that looks like The Shire and smells like wild white sage and floating sea air. It runs about 35 minutes inland from th beaches of Ventura and Santa Barbara. It is 49 miles from Los Angeles. There is a small market there that sells local produce and meat. As far as location goes, it’s close to heaven for me: mountains meet ocean is my dream-place. And more than anything, it is not Phoenix in the summer.

But is also a place where I know not a single soul except my friends who will be frolicking in loving positions throughout the Americas below us. I will be parenting alone in a space that is not my own. Our routine will be to feed the goats in the morning and night, take care of the cat, tend the garden, and perhaps leave out honeysuckle juice for the fairy population that flies low over the swimming whole in the back of the property. Some days we might just go to the beach and play in the sand for hours. There will be no banking to do, no meetings with insurance agents, accountants, or realtors. No bills that are my responsiblity to pay. There will be basically none of our personal possessions to upkeep except for some clothes and some books and some art supplies we will bring.

Sounds good. But lets cut to the chase. I will be totally and utterly single parenting 7 days a week, 24 hours a day for 6 weeks. I will be sleeping with the girls like always, but Bill will be a 6 hour drive away. I will be taking Mia away from the her favorite park down the street (though our window of outdoor time is shrinking as the temperature increases in the valley of the sun), her friends, swim lessons, dance lessons, her sunflower garden, her daddy, her dogs, and her bedroom. I will be bringing my girls to a semi-strange place where packs of coyotes scream and hoot and yelp around midnight every night at the base of the mountain, surrounding the farm, trying to sniff out the chickens and the goats for late night snacks. Coyotes in the middle of the night scare me. Being away from my husband scares me. Taking care of the girls alone scares me. Therefore I must go.

Bill will miss us. he told me he could already taste it in his throat–the longing to be with us while we are gone. But I think the absnce will be good for us. He will be able to complete house renovations, kick up dust and smash up cecilings. He’ll be able to spend nights finishing up the recording/musical work that he is unnable to spend long stretches of time on because he is a father with a day job. He will also be forced to once again pay bills, do laundry, put dishes away, water a garden, pick up socks and create grocery lists all on his own. I will be able to eliminate the day-to-day chores of my life that tend to bore me when done for long periods of time. I will be able to create a leisure-like schedule for the girls involving animals, mountains, hikes and beaches. I will learn to take the garbage out. I will learn to put gas in my car and check the tires myself. I will learn to sleep without the safety and security of my big strong man I will learn to be brave despite the noices in the dark of the night.

I will be, for a short time, an independent woman. Living on a farm in Ojai.

I like the feel of that. After 3 years of only working inside the home, I need this empowerment. I need this escape. I need the solitude. I need to face me fears of being without my man. I need to face the fears of being alone with myself….no friends…no community.

I hope to come back with a clearer view of my place and destiny in my AZ community. I have held back from being really a part of this city and I think that leaving it for a bit for a mountain haitus will put some things into perspective, give me an opportunity to chronicle our adventures and hopefully come back to town refreshed and renewed.

Anyone want to come visit me for a weekend?

these will be my temporary adopted kids.

Stay tuned for adventures with pregnant goats…