The Milkiest Way
To all the Empresses who choose to create and nurish the world through mother’s milky goodness: RESPECT. L reminded this Lactating Goddess that it’s the week for BIG shout outs to the Most High of all Fluids, the Freshest of Healing Nectar: Breast Milk. Please remind everybody we see to remind everybody they see that breast milk is best. Best. Breast Milk is the only drink to give these little Buddha’s and Lotus Blossoms who bless us with their lives.
I, of course failed to express my passions and knowledge of breastfeeding today while my daughter Sula and I had a date shoe shopping at The Mall (not shoes for Sula, for her mama…the first pair of heels I have bought in about 4 years. Shiny, merlot-colored patent leather. Small Toe-hole at the tip. Very high, very sexy pumps for a wedding I must go to next month in NY. Sizzlin’ Hot. So hot that my flip-flopped self feels totally and uttery ridiculious in them. But what the hell). I heard a baby screaming and crying and of course my tension rose, ,my skin got tight, my shoulders moved up towards my ears. My breasts got fuller and tingly. I made some more milk for little Sula who was already sucking away in her carrier. I turned the corner to get to size 8 1/2 at Macy’s shoe sale rack and there was a 2 week old baby screaming in her stroller. Her mother was fumbling to get out a little plastic container of powder and a bottle of water and hurridly made some formula.
“Can I help you at all?” I offered. I knew how hard it is to have a new baby out in public screaming and crying. It can be a helpless feeling.
“Oh thank you, but we’re okay.My mom’s here.” A grandmother figure came along and picked up the baby and rocked and coo-ed her until her formula lunch was ready.
Sula was intrigued by the baby. She couldn’t stop staring and every time i tried to walk away from them she screamed one of her famous “don’t even try it” screams at me.
So I stood and let her watch the baby get bottle-fed.
The grandmother remarked how nifty my Ergo carrier was. I explained to both of them that without my slings and my carriers I would be lost and helpless. Strollers have always been cumbersome to me and in a carrier I could nurse on demand and still make dinner, play with my toddler and shop for shoes!
Sula started pointing to the baby and saying “Night Night. Night Night.” This is our phrase for nursing.
“Oh look! She wants the bottle, ” the babies mama laughed.
I explained she has never had a bottle. Maybe a handful of times with some breastmilk in it while I was teaching a yoga class, but now she won’t even take a bottle with water. And I’ve tried. She is either a breast girl or a cup girl.
Both women were shocked. Looked at me sympathetically. “Wow, I could never do that. The bottle is so much easier. Breastfeeding is hard on mothers!”
“Not hard really. Wonderful.” And that’s all I said. I did not know if she chose to formula-feed because the alternative was too hard for her or because perhaps she adopted her baby. Or maybe she has a rare physical ailment that does not allow her nurse. I don’t know, but I wish I would have asked. If I asked then I couldn’t automatically assume she just doesn’t want to feed her baby from her breast. Which is what I did. I told them to have a great day and walked away with a sad, empty feeling inside my belly and heart. I held Sula’s fuzzy head closer to my chest and told her she could suck as long and hard as she wanted. I told her I was happy to breastfeed her. I was honored. I really am.
I spoke to my best girlfrind this morning. She had just returned from a vacation in Mexico with her hubby and 2 year old daughter, Ivy, whom she exclusively breastfed for 15 months while working more than a full-time job. She told me me how she longs to have more courage to speak up when she hears or sees people not choosing to breasfeed for no good reason. She is, like me, a person who tries hard to be liked and accepted. We are reluctant to speak how we really feel. Instead we say what we think the other person wants to hear (same as my L) While sitting by the pool she overheard a conversation of a newly married couple. This is how she claims it went:
Dude:”So, hunny, when we have kids you are going to breastfeed them, right?”
Chick:”NO WAY! After all that work being pregnant and then pushing the kid out?…Noooo waaaay.”
Dude: “Are you serious? I want my child to have breastmilk! It’s the best thing for them. My mom breastfed me.”
Chick:”I think it’s all way too weird…someone sucking on your breast. Eeww. Weird.”
Apparently they went back and forth like that for awhile and my friend got up to go back in the hotel, but she did go up to them and apologize for listening in to their conversation and expressed to them how wonderful it was, in her personal experience, to breastfeed her daughter. She told them her daughter never gets sick and it was such great bonding for them. The woman thanked her and said that was nice but she wouldn’t be doing it. The husband just sighed.
I guess this shows just how removed from Nature some people really are. When we as a culture truly think our breasts are just for sexy stuff…billboards, implants, magazines, sex, demi-cup, push-up bras…we have some serious issues. I am not totally sure what those issues are but to think breastfeeding is weird? Mother’s Milk is how all living creatures have survived for millenia. We are composed of mother’s milk. The warm, wet, cozy, rich, creamy, whiteness of goodness of flesh and blood and energy is how we have survived up until this point. Without it we would be nothing. Dead. It saddens me to think that there are people out there who really think it will be imposing on their lives, it will be too hard to achieve. I sympathize with women who have tried and tried to nurse and just “couldn’t”. I believe some really couldn’t. But I believe others just did not have the support, locally and societally. And I am going to write something right now I have been thinking for a long time. I am almost scared to write it. But you know why? Because I am afraid of being offensive. But I will offend if by chance my words some how vibrate out there and change the mind or action of just one person. If someone chooses not to breastfeed for no reason at all I consider it child abuse. I do. There is enough information out there that proves breastfeeding our children prevents cancers, obesity, diabetes, boosts immunities, connects mother and baby rhythms, keeps you and your baby warm,helps mama go back in post-partum shape, helps reduce PPD…just to throw a small handful of reasons: Check out this or that if you need more info.
So again to all you who breastfeed, BIG UP. You are keeping this world, our earthly home, a healthy, growing, fertile and nurtured place. And to all who are Lactivists, those who educate, support, and love the mother as well as fight for the rights of the breastfeedin mother and child, you are the inovators, the true progressives of this country. Keep up the advocacy: this is of utmost importance.
I am always so sad when I see someone bottle feeding a baby. I remind myself it could be expressed breastmilk, or an adopted baby, or what have you. But I know that so often that isn’t the case. A young woman soon to give birth told me she wouldn’t breastfeed because she thought it was “gross”. This made me so sad. M and I fought so hard to build our breastfeeding relationship, and it is one of the most beautiful things we do. I can’t imagine doing it any other way … can’t imagine depriving her (or me) of the benefits — physical and otherwise. I admit it would have been much more difficult if I’d had to go back to work, but I’m sure we would have figured it out.
I tend to stare in mute, hopefully not too judgmental silence when I see a baby with a bottle. My heart just aches for that little baby, not getting what it so richly needs and deserves.
In the end, I figure the best I can do is to just keep nursing my daughter … let people see me doing it, talk to me about it. Just do it, and put it out there. It is my contribution — small in many ways, but huge for me and my daughter.
Comment by S — August 5, 2006 @ 3:33 am
This is one place I AM very prejudiced about parenting choices. I can’t help it. We DO know better. And it breaks my heart when little ones are denied the opportunity to breastfeed. Satch nursed until 33 months old. It was hard sometimes, sure. And the looks I got were even vicious now and then. But it was worth every tired moment, every sweet milky smile. Especially with such an active kiddo, nursing gave us a chance to reconnect and for him to collect himself. It was an instinctive need met through to it’s end. There is a belief floating around out there that infants need to fulfill certain innate urges (like suckling) in infancy or they spend the rest of their lives seeking a replacement…addictions, etc. If I can give my baby 12-36 months of myself so that he can be free of restless seeking for the rest of his life, it is a gift I gladly offer.
I do have one thing to say, though, about women who can’t breastfeed - and how I ache for them. Not only do they grieve the loss of breastfeeding if it would have been their choice, they worry about the health of their child - of withholding the optimum nutrition - AND they suffer in silence when women like me watch and possibly judge them. What can they do? Wear a t-shirt that says, “I’d breastfeed if I could.” So I think it is great that you had that thought of empathy too, on the flip side of the critical voice. We never know.
Thanks for writing this post and taking a stand and reminding everyone the importance of breastfeeding. I love your line about our little buddhas and our lotus blossoms! I’m going to keep that one in my treasure chest.
B
Comment by Brooke — August 5, 2006 @ 4:45 pm
Divine, honest post, my friend. I am embarrased to admit that the same pool-side conversation happened years ago between me and my husband. I had never been exposed to bf’ing, I didn’t understand it. Until I watched my friends nurture and nourish their babies at their breast. Until I really, really watched and listened and questioned my conventional beliefs…I am so far from that woman now. I don’t even recognize her. Yet, I keep that memory so that I can relate to others, share my story, and perhaps encourage them to question also.
Nursing Kaia exceeded all my expections, and then some.
B, great insight also about women who have tried with their whole hearts and cannot BF. Like you’ve wisely said about our planned homebirth children, those babies benefited from their mother’s loving intentions and desire to BF, from their mom’s persistance, even if they didn’t succeed.
Thanks for this post, MB. And thanks for your gentle comments to the stranger in the mall. You never know….
Comment by Leigh — August 5, 2006 @ 5:41 pm
PS I can’t WAIT to see your shoes! Mmmmmm
Comment by Leigh — August 5, 2006 @ 5:46 pm
Great post. I wrote a story on World Breast Feeding Week in the West Valley View. I came from a non-breastfeeding family and I have become the biggest advocate for it now… some people hardly believe that my 11-month-old hasn’t had a drop of formula and I work full time. Women can make anything work, especially if it’s for the good of our children, if we put our minds to it.
Comment by Beth — August 6, 2006 @ 10:41 pm
MB -
Delurking here. I read your post while pumping at work for my 8 month old twins. I’ve been blessed with three healthy children all of which have received 100% mamas milk. People are amazed when I tell them that my twins have never received formula and I work 30hrs a week. I take that as an opportunity to educate the importance of BM and also about the supply & demand factor - how the beginning is so critical in building your supply. It’s so sad to me when I hear women saying that breastfeeding is gross, it makes me nurse in public more! We can all do our sisters a favor by exposing the public to natures way more often!
I came across your blog a couple months ago and I am very intrigued! I would love to see a post on your childhood. Where did you grow up - what, if any, was your religious upbringing? Basically, what made you who you are today? You are an excellent writer with knowledge I can’t even fathom - I love the insight you have given me on various topics thus far!
Thank you for sharing!
~Andrea
Comment by Andrea — August 7, 2006 @ 11:52 am
Andrea,
Welcome to wise MaryBeth-dom. You will indeed become hooked. I’m so lucky that I get to hang with her in person (okay, not bragging or anything).
Leigh
Comment by Leigh — August 8, 2006 @ 3:35 am
More WBW 2006 Blogging
More people are blogging in support of World Breastfeeding Week and mamas and babies around the world. August 5: Echo of Love Misplaced Mama No Such Thing Color Me Red Five Minutes for Mom This Classical Life Life With An Axe Jo’s Cafe (Another) Day i…
Trackback by TulipGirl — August 8, 2006 @ 3:58 am
I can’t say a WHOLE lot about breastfeeding vs. bottle feeding considering my son got a lot of formula. But I’m telling you, fighting to give him every ounce of breast milk for the 9 mos. I was able to nurse him was worth it a million times over. I totally understand that breastfeeding can be incredibly hard, and for a small number of people, not possible. But it makes my blood boil when I hear/see/read/talk to mothers who have decided not to even TRY breastfeeding before their child is born. The lack of information, and honestly, the lack of trying to do what’s best for a child is astounding. Grrrr.
Comment by Rebekah — August 10, 2006 @ 1:40 am