misplaced mama

This is a rant after reading this.

Isn’t it hard enough being a mother? We sacrifice our body as a vessel which holds the continuation of existence. We shape-shift our physical and mental beings into a gate of life, which alone is nameless and limitless and timeless work. Then we get the heavy responsibility to keep that life loved, well-fed, respected, warm, cool, hydrated, safe and rested (and that’s just the tip of the iceberg). Emotionally and spiritually we hope to be guides, living examples of courage, peace, kindness, consideration, creativity, and respect. Because we are being watched by growing eyes at all times, we become projectors for our future and the pressure is on us to be not only decent citizens, but to constantly ask ourselves, “Would we want to be our children? Would I want me as a parent?”

It’s unbelievably exhausting work emotionally and physically. Before I had kids I thought it would be a breeze and after many career paths, I find this work to be the hardest and the most fulfilling. And let me repeat this: it is work. I can’t stand the term Stay- At- Home- Mom. Even when I am home, I don’t stay put anywhere. I work at home. My work right now is primarily my children, running my life like a family business, and that business produces health, happiness and the pursuit of our bliss. Those things include taking care of two highly physical beings, making sure our bills are paid, money is being saved, the cupboards are stocked, kids are exercised and socialized and subtly taught an ethical code our family lives by: walking lightly on the Earth, not being gluttons, seeing the beauty that exists, understanding food and words and relationships as vital energy and raising the girls with a balance of knowing haute couture and how to turn over a heavy pile of compost. I spend a lot of time making sure we live outside the box, making sure I don’t hand my children answers but offer them up questions. I use my brain constantly. I use my hands and arms and legs almost all the time. If I an not handling the children directly, then I am most likely cooking for them or typing up the experiences I have with them so the learning cycle keeps moving. I am a Work –At- Home- Mom and refuse to answer to anyone who refers to me as ‘staying’ at home. Every mother I know (with a paying job or not) is a working mother. Some of us just don’t get a paycheck, vacation-time or leisurely lunches. My bosses are under 3 years old and I can sometimes con them into “smoke” breaks here and there but mostly it’s a 24 hour 7 day a week full-time job. Often I want to quit this job, for moments here and there it becomes so exhausting I think I become physically ill and sometimes it is so boring that I can barely open my eyes. Mostly though, I feel good about my role as server to my family and on a larger scale, to society. When I do need a break and my attempt at a detached Zen non-attitude doesn’t seem to work and the endless dishes, sugar ants, sticky floors, baby poop, laundry, sometimes it helps to get out anywhere for a little “fun” with the girls; places like the library, the grocery store, the book store or a casual restaurant (a place other than the zoo or the mall playground or a park). Then there are the times we have to go do something at the bank, the post office, the car dealership, the insurance office, because like I said I run my family business.

But where are all those places that welcome me and my kids? Where are the ones that accommodate for me; medium-framed women with 1 just walking baby going on toddler and 1 toddler going on big-girl? I find it a general rule that the only thing on most places agenda is generating business and taking my money, and not accommodating certain types of clientele. What else isn’t on their agenda is respecting my role and making life for me, their consumer, easier and more comfortable. Respect me by understanding my situation. By hearing my needs and helping by thinking about me, the mother, when you are planning your business. Making me feel like a pariah out in public because I have small and sometimes screaming people in tow is rude, aggravating and completely counter-productive.

I do my best keeping my babies’ happy and calm out in public. But they’re kids. They get excited. They get emotional. They’re irrational. They get tired. They get happy. They get excited. They get loud. They are humans, practically imperfect in every way. Mia and Sula both love to sing and dance when they hear music blaring out of stores speakers. I tell them to keep it down. They try. But they’re kids. They don’t listen. Mia is curious. She wants to touch things, she is learning public etiquette rules and understanding what she can and cannot touch by public outings and experiencing the world outside her safe home. Everywhere is a learning ground for kids, so why can’t we make these places more kids-friendly? And kid-friendly isn’t about putting in a gumball machine. (When Mia walks into a place where they have gumball machines, she is going to ask for a gumball. And when I say no she is going to most likely cry and beg. And then I get down and calmly try to talk to her, explaining why those gumballs are not good for her teeth and that later we will get a healthier treat she will either nod her head, her hand wiping away tears and say, “okay Mama, I want another treat. Chocolate?” And I will say maybe and we continue on. Or. She will fall to the ground kick and scream and beg me or loudly demand gumballs, in the really special way 2 and 3 year olds do. And I will have to calm her down again and it may take a few moments . If I get rude looks and comments and am just made to feel like a total ass I will either try to pick her up and go outside, which is hard to do when you got a 1 year old strapped to you, or, defy the rules and give in and get her the damn gumball because I can’t take the scene. And feel like I failed at my job.)

When my kids do have melt-downs I tend to remove them from places regardless, for their own sake primarily but also in respect of others trying to eat or shop. But even when my kids aren’t melting down I get serious shit from people. Last week I was at the library. I was leaving the kid section and quickly browsing the next section of the place, looking for some astrology books. Sula was in the Ergo and she singing a little song going, “oh-oh-oh-oh-oh”. She was not doing this loud but I was conscious that we were at the library. So to keep her quiet I put her on my boob and began to really quietly, I mean really quietly and white-noise-like start going, “ssssssshhhhhhhhssssssssshhhhh.” The man sitting 5 feet away from me reading the Wall Street Journal was being louder turning the papers pages. Seriously. A librarian comes up to me, looks at me nursing (or so I think) and says to me, “I think you may be disturbing people. The kids section is right there.” And she points to where I just came from. I stare at her for a moment to think. Then I smile at her because she has to be kidding around. Then I see she is serious and I just laugh and apologize and walk away. Fine. I won’t borrow any or your dumb books then.

The next day we had a crammed schedule. I had to pick up Mia from school, go pick up a check from a client for Bill and drop it at the bank, and still try to get the kids home for a nap. I had a small gap where I knew I had to feed them. I had no food with me. I had to find a restaurant in this foreign neighborhood which would be okay for 2 tired girls. I drive by a little café. A waitress is outside setting up the outdoor tables. I make a point to roll my window down and ask her if they had high chairs. She said they did. “You have a kids menu, too?” I asked feeling optimistic. “Yup.” She said. Great.

Everything on the kids menu they did not have that day. That was fine. They had tomato soup. While we were waiting Mia got the salt shaker. She asked me if she could have a little salt. I said sure. She shook a ½ teaspoon of salt out on her paper napkin and then licked it up. A woman, who had been eyeing us from the cashier stand came rushing over.

“No, no, no, no! You can’t play like that here, no making messes.” Mia immediately hung her head and began to sob. I apologized to the woman while she walked away. She came back with 1 crayon and a piece of paper and told Mia she could play with that. Mia was beyond tired and her Scorpio side of her is extremely sensitive and to have a strange lady reprimand her for something her mama said was okay was breaking her all up. She was sobbing and the lady was begging her to stop crying. Then she looked at me and asked me to tell her to stop crying or maybe we should go to McDonalds or something. There was one other person in the place. Mia was being vocal but not really loud or making a scene. Sula was being louder babbling in her own baby-talk. I looked at the lady and told her she was the one that made her cry. She can get her to stop. I also told her we take pride in supporting local business with slow-cooked food and choose not to support fast-food chains.

I am usually really paranoid that my kids are disrupting everyone when we are out (gee, I wonder why with how un-kid-friendly this world is…it makes us think this place is not for us) so I am always hushing them up. But Mia really did nothing wrong in my eyes and now she was very sad. I was not about to let this lady bully us. I told her the waitress implied that this place was kid-friendly with the highchair and kid menu, I figured it was. She told me there customers can be very stressed out business people looking for a relaxing lunch and she didn’t want their lunches disturbed. I told her I was also very stressed out business person and my lunch had been disturbed. She walked away and left us alone. We ended up eating our soup because we were all starving (otherwise I would have left because I was on the verge of tears myself) and Mia cheered up as soon as it came. She kept saying she was sorry she licked up the salt. I told her that I was sorry, that it was against the rules at that restaurant but I wasn’t aware of that, so I told her she could. My mistake. Let’s drop it. I could not believe that this was even a situation. My kid licked salt. We were made to feel like asses. We are at war and rapidly climbing to the apex of a serious eco-crisis. Can’t we all just be more tolerant to our babies?

Many businesses depend on the family model as their top patrons, and I want those businesses to put in family friendly bathrooms, nursing areas for mothers, and play areas for kids. Let’s look at Target, a haven for the mother (or father) and kids. There is always something at target that someone needs. The bathrooms in Target in the Scottsdale, AZ area are horribly inaccessible to families with more than one kid. All sinks and toilets are big and high. There is one “wheelchair/ family” stall with a changing table. With more than one kid, and one kid in arms, it’s pretty hard to take a piss. It’s hard to get your tiny kid on a big pisser, holding them so they won’t fall in, while nursing a little one strapped to the chest (if it wasn’t without wraps and slings all this would be damn near impossible.) One could use a stroller but how do you use a stroller and a cart while shopping? One could put the kids in the cart or the baby in the cart because can bring (squeeze) your cart in the restrooms at Target you just can’t bring in any unpaid merchandise. The carts don’t fit in the stalls (obviously) and you end up unloading your pile of clearance baby clothes and a new supply of toothbrushes and sippy cups outside the restroom door. Tying to wash traces of stranger piss we picked up on our hands from touching the floors and toilet seats is another adventure. I end up squeezing both kids little bodies against the hard porcelain sink and sopping us all with water. They cry and scream. I get frustrated and probably curse. I feel like I failed at my job.

I have been in 3 kid family bathrooms as far is bigger store and chain experiences go: 1-Ikea. . Although their furniture is somewhat disposable, their bathrooms rock and that $1 frozen yogurt cone is irresistible, really. 2- Wegmans’s Market, a grocery chain back East. They are by far the best grocery store I have ever been to, and I’ve seen a lot (grocery stores are like a hobby of mine. I love good food.). Wegman’s bathroom has wooden stools everywhere for kids to climb and reach, a whole shelf full of stuff for free–diapers, wipes, baby food, little water bottles. Plus they use as much local produce as they can. 3. The Civic Center Library kid’s section. They have little toilets and little sinks in big private rooms. No changing table, though, but it is kept clean enough that he counter-top works fine.

I am sure there are other places, like Babies R Us but I have never used a bathroom there. Trips to a bathroom at stores/establishments with both the girls can sometimes be what unravels my last thread. I come out sweating and panting and on the verge of tears. I don’t get why a store full of mothers buying all their products wouldn’t make the experience easier, comfortable. Friendly.

Then there is the parking issue. Family parking in mega-store/mall/grocery parking lots should be available in all places with extreme weather like Phoenix’s blazing summers and Upstate NY’s frigid winters. Some places have built spaces for mothers along side handicap. But not many. Everyone seems to make a nice effort to put all the candy right out there in reach at a check-out. Maybe they could carry that effort over and stick a little chair in a corner with a couple books so I could nurse my kid while the other one reads. Maybe then I wouldn’t have to nurse in the middle of the produce aisle grossing out (yes, someone once said gross under their breath as I nursed in the store. Granted it wasn’t a pretty site because Mia was trying to get in my shirt to nurse as I was nursing Sula and prying Mia off) all the other customers. Really this is a casual complaint. I know I am slightly powerless here. These same people market to our children, they are the monsters that would rather make a profit than concern themselves with health of our future. They work very hard thinking about marketing to kids and their mothers. They just don’t think about how they can help us. Even my beloved Sunflower Market here in town doesn’t have a single changing table in their bathroom. It takes a village for sure and my present and temporary village is the shopping malls surrounded by my desert suburban development. As my village, should I not be given some help? I help keep their business going. I need business owners to help keep my business going. Make my life easier or I will lead a campaign to get mothers to just stop buying from certain stores. Maybe I’ll do that anyway.