misplaced mama

Who knows how many times I have written about this, 2 or 10, but Space.  Space.  It’s a concept.feeling.attitude.non-form.light.sound. Word. I have played with in my mind’s life and hear and body for a while now.

While driving through a vast plain in Texas, I decided I would name the yoga and art center I was about to form, Space. doing shots of espresso I had made back in Florida and stashed in a thermos and trying to stay wide awake on my nazi-style road trip of moving from NY back to California in 4 days, Space just came to me.  Just Space.  I’m not sure why I picked it.  Perhaps it was the space in front of me, endless Texas, like I could get lost there forever, defying time.  Maybe I remembered something I heard from a teacher long before about breathing surrender into my muscles so that they become space; losing all form and material memory.  Perhaps it was because at the time (and still) I was obsessed with a space to gather, a place for community to explore, create, bind and find.  To heal and become connected, like a tribe.  Or maybe it was because at that exact moment I was driving my body was creating the ultimate spatial endeavor; transforming me into womb space, a space for life to burst, spark, and bloom into being.  I didn’t know it at the time, but I was just barely pregnant with my first child.

As the years have passed, Space has become an even greater question/answer/nothingingness to me.  It has allowed me to grasp the concept that transformation of any kind is entirely possible.  And I mean any kind.  Physical, emotionally, spiritually and all of the above at the same time. To breath. To do and undo.  I equate space with energy.  And because we are all made of energy; the sameness in mixture, matter, potion of life force light, we are all personal and one big giant space.  But are we taking up space? Creating space? Being space?  Moving through it?  Is it fizzling? Vibrating? Is it expanding or retracting?  Is it big enough to hold the whole world?  Or is it compact and closed up; not letting space inside itself?

Today I tried to imagine myself without my body; no bones, no organs, no name, no face, no history.  I became space, an energetic field of space, soul space, my space, universal space.  But today, what does my space look like?  What does it give or take from others?  Today I think my space sorta sucked, it was darker, drearier, fuzzy, unsure of itself. It wanted to me left alone to turn from dark black to gray and look for its color, which speckles where hidden and wanting to emerge.  Then a little later, as I hiked through the White Mountains of Arizona, it began to move quietly, looking for anything to blend with; tree, bird, sky and at the same time trying to burn through anything that took too much space and kept me from moving to my Truth; desire, expectation, need  It tried to stay detached from positive and negative space, and just be space, but that wasn’t easy or possible it seemed, but it never stopped trying, or being, it was always space, never failing. And around my space was piercing nothing, a shield of absent space, of light…or maybe even a shield I am still using to protect space.  Don’t know.

I don’t want to be a space that takes to much room, but I want to be a space that offers as much as I can.  I want to let down my walls of material so i can feel this space life more. It’s floaty rightness, it’s light speckled ness, it utterly orbital magic.  I want to look up at the sky at night and really feel as above so below, as without, so within.

Just thinking that I am space and you are space, both made of the same stuff, it helps me in this constant process of change and movement.