misplaced mama

May 20 2007

We blame it on Sula.

 She has made it habit this month to come to my belly rub it, lay her soft mushy cheek against it and it say, “Sula wanna a baby, mama.  Where Sula baby?”

 And when I was a week late for my period I thought, how could one get pregnant when one does not even remember having sex.

 Oh yes.  That night.  New Moon beginning to wax.  Moon Blood almost gone, but still there.  Reconnecting after passionate fight about whether I turned the interior light on in the car and forgot to turn it off.  I didn’t.

 I refused to buy more than a dollar store test because I was not going to waste more than a dollar on what I knew could. not. be. possible.  A baby could not be.  A baby of mine needs to be made on the full moon, when my jasmine was ripe, my bunny hopped, my egg floated. When my waves crashed.  Not the NEW moon; this is when I withdrew, then released the hope of life…flowing out of me, in a red river,  not staying in me.

Three.  You’ll be number three.  I am a horrible, horrible, dreadful mother of two and so now I wonder if you will make me a fabulously wonderful and delightful mother of three. What are the chances of that happening?

Three.  Is the Universe fucking kidding me?  I can’t imagine why anyone would have three kids.  At least I can’t imagine why I would.

May 27 2007

 Our babies seem to always come into me on the cusp of great changes. Perhaps so we can see the true meaning of each moment so we don’t hyper-focus on our tasks at hand.  Maybe come to slow us down, telling us that no matter how fast or obsessively we work to achieve our goals, we will have what we need when we need it.  Until then, stop, feel life, let it grow.  Enjoy.

Told Mia we will be having a baby.  Her reaction was not good.  She does not want one.  She does not like them.  According to her I am NOT allowed to have one.  She does not one even a little bit, she says.  Well, you don’t have to want a baby, honey.  That’’s all I say.  Then I quietly shed a tear or two.  It’s going to be hard enough, but with Mia in opposition, it’s going to be hell.

June 20 2007

I am marinating myself in the juice of becoming a full-time mom for the rest of my life.  I cried today on the couch. All day.  This was not supposed to be like this.  By this time in my life, my belly had stopped baking people and I had a part-time helper who made wonderful vegan treats for my kids while I locked my office door for 4 hours a day to make deadlines for super-fabulous publications that actually paid me and subsidized family trips around the world.  I was supposed to get pregnant again in a couple years…or maybe not.  Maybe we would adopt instead.  Being serious about this Earth, this over-populated Earth and living in a country which consumes more than the whole freaking world, we have always felt strong in our commitment to being environmentalists.  And that means not reproducing more than oneself.  Period.  People will argue with me on this and say but its who you reproduce and how they are raised.  I agree with that if you raise you kids to be completely, 100% sustainable…that means totally living off the land.  And as much as I’d like to do that, I won’t be totally doing it.  I think it’s irresponsible of us to go and make another baby when there are too many damn people on this planet in the first place….our biggest problem on Earth is US. So now there is this force in our life, something more than me and my thinking brain that throws that philosophy out the door for us.  A person, a soul wants to be born to us.  We tried to prevent it from happening (sorta, kinda, as much as we could) and it did not work.  Baby wants us and we want baby. As much as I feel torn on this, we want Baby.  This baby is truly beautiful. More than I can even speak of.

June 22 2007

Been puking and having the runs all week.  Can’t eat more than a cracker at a time.  Still my ass gets pregnant and my stomach is bloated.  Last week my size 8 pants fit a bit loose.  This week I cannot get them above my knees.  I can’t believe I am able to hide this from certain family members who live nearby; my hand always drifting to my belly, the delirious haze in my eyes, the ability to fall asleep in the middle of a conversation over a pasta dinner I cannot even begin touch. I am shocked nobody has figured it out.

 I need to do more yoga.

 I need a fat spliff and a cold class of white wine. Three cold glasses of wine.  And morphine would be good, too.

June 23 2007

Now the sickness has traveling into my head, throat and nose.  I sleep sitting up so my sinuses will drain into my stomach.  My shit still runs.  ‘At least you’re shitting,’ Brooke says.  I agree.  But this is extreme. Extreme bathroom.  I cannot go in the car for longer than 5 minutes or else I am in major, major trouble.  When it hits, I gotta get to the toilet in 15 seconds or less.  What kind of life it this? 

 June 27 2007

I heard the heartbeat.  Fast, strong, little heart. There is a baby inside me.  A baby!  It didn’t like the Doppler, didn’t like us observing it beyond the heart or mind-eye and sit wam far inside me, away from the sonar-waves and deep into my womb, so we lost the beat.  But we heard it for a split. I am in love.  Again. Oh, the love…..

June 28, 2007

After a hard week we head north tonight to sleep under the stars.  I am bringing my guitar and singing my babies…all three of them…to sleep.

June 30 ²⁰⁰⁷

Mia still hates babies.  Sula on the other hand loves them and says it was her that put the baby in my belly.  I’m surprised.  She comes up and kissed my belly and loves it.  Mia screams profanities and threatens violence.

So much for singing to my babies camping.  I stayed in the tent and dry heaved all 3 nights once the clock hit 6pm.  All and all it was a beautiful weekend…getting out of this horrible hot place and sleeping under shooting, crumbling, dancing stars and listening to the coyotes party all night long.  It was a breath of freshness, needed RnR.  Mia was so blissful, chasing butterflies, collecting little bits of nature, running up and down mountains trails, singing and laughing.  “I like this camping, Mama.  I don’t want to go home!  Let’s camp all the time!!”  She loves cuddling up close in the tent to stay warm and getting up all cold and dewy before the sun snuck over the mountain and drinking hot tea with me.  Sula was timid, taking some time to warm up to the outdoors.  “Mama, I scared.”  “Of what Sula?”  “The aminals. Aminals live here.” And she points to the thick pine forest.  “They do, Sula, they do.  But they are scared of us.  Don’t worry.”  Still she was cautious, although she began making a game of climbing on every tree fallen from fire or lightening and balancing and jumping.  By the last day she was ready to stay, too.

This makes me so excited to be pregnant in WA. State.  To be in a green wonderland, by the sea, next to the heavy-duty snow covered mountains.  To pregnant they way I have always wanted to be…trail walking, beach yoga, pine forest meditation on a daily basis.  So far I have been city- pregnant and suburb- pregnant…and I have craved nature, to be swallowed up whole by it.  This time, if the stars are with me on this, I will spend the last 4 months of this pregnancy in a place that is wholly pristine.  I long for it.  I need it.

July 4 ²⁰⁰⁷

After reading the kinds homebirth book Welcome With Love for the 50^th time this week, Mia finally said, “Mama, I do want a baby! I do!  Can I use sharp scissors to cut the cord and will daddy make us soup and toast when the baby is born? And can I touch the placenta? ”  Yes, yes, yes!  I had tears in my eyes that I hid.  I tried to remain mellow but I wanted to shout with excitement.  Something clicked and made the whole thing more real, deeper for me.  My firstborn figured out her feelings.  I let her ‘hate the baby’ and threaten to ‘put it back in or squish it’.  I allowed her, without trying to change her mind, to not want another sibling and dislike the idea of having another baby around.  She took time to think about it, about what it could be like.  How it would affect her place in this family.  She kept asking all month, "I was the first one to come out of you, right?" 

The whole time she resisted the idea of another kid, I just told her she could have those feelings, they were strong ones, but I wasn’t surprised because she was a strong girl. I wanted her to want a baby so badly, to take upon nurturer and guide and teacher…but I couldn’t force her to want what I wanted.  I had to detach myself from the idea that she was going to change her tune.  Mia is Mia and I honor her.  I mean, I had to accept that she does not like babies.  I had to accept her claims that she wanted to hit them (after explaining that hitting was not acceptable, of course) And then tonight, the sincerity in her voice when she hugged me and said she did want a baby!  Oh the joy and the peace.  She sounded relieved to just say it.  I am so glad I never tried to talk her into wanting one.  Now I know she came to this on her own.  I felt like Baby sighed relief, too.  I did tell Mia that Baby came to us because Baby knew that she was going to be the big sister, and Baby wanted to be with Mia.  She smiled.  Cuddled close.  We read another book.

 
Baby, I wonder what you will look like?  The day before I took that test, the one that read 2 lines, our friend Jeanette told me she had a dream that I birthed a baby in a green backyard, and that when the baby came out, she had a little face that looked just like Mia.  Perfect.  Round.  Beautiful.  Will you look like your big sister?  Will you get daddy’s sea blue eyes?  Olive skin?  Or porcelin?  Will you be a mellow morning at sea like your Sula or quick and shifting like the windy Mia?  Or will you be all on your own; a star, a twirling galaxy of supernova color.  Who ever you choose to be in this life, I am your mama, and I love you.