week 17ish. randomness.
2-lines on a stick. The only indication that life was indeed cooking within. I am not one to feel the life inside me immediately. No physical signs except an instant hip expansion, until at least week 9. No profound emotional feeling until at least week 12. Call me disconnected, but as powerful as I know this miracle to be, I do not feel, or even connect on a visceral level, with the soul within. Not for quite some time. Until I do it’s no less magical in its mystical divine explosion of flesh that begins to mold and form in my womb. I am in awe by it, but a connection to an actual person, soul, being? No. I have felt guilty about that in the past, that I am just floating there in this space where I know I am now a mama to another person and my rational mind, my conscious mind has no clue who this person is, no ties to this person in a thinking way. I have felt like a really bad mom. I’m pregnant, yes, but at this point it’s a scientific happening within and I wait and wait until it becomes the most important thing in my life. It happens of course, in time, but I guess I must just trust that while that transition occurs my mother-mind and heart is preparing myself for the love that I am about to feel; boundless and limitless. It’s like I need those few months to grow as a person; bigger, stronger, softer, before I get the honor of binding and meshing with the person who now lives in my body and spirit temple. Perhaps this is my testimony for being pro-choice; my spiritual understanding (in short) does not believe a soul enters the body until the soul is sure it is truly invited, until my own body is truly capable of housing it and until its body us sure it is ready to be housed. I believe the soul exists already, always has and always will as we are endless and non-linear. But in my mind, it does not dwell in the flesh for some time. This is my opinion. Not right. Not wrong. Just mine.
But that is neither here nor there. I guess what I am trying to say is that I think baby’s soul has entered me. I can feel this person and this person is…well…glorious. Blindingly bright and alive. Powerfully:Wow. I am floored by holding this person within me. I am not quite sure I am big enough to hold this soul, this perfect, content and so lovely of a soul. I received an email from out midwife here who is kind enough to give me prenatal attention until we wander out of state. While she had been camping in amazing wilderness, my baby paid her a visit, wanting to communicate and connect with her. She wrote to me, “Your baby is…well, I think the best way to describe it would be gorgeous. Totally Gorgeous.” That’s just about how I feel.
I had a very lucid dream a couple weeks ago about a flock of doves flying out of my belly and then flew through this green and beautiful mountain valley. It was serene, surreal, peaceful and very sensual. This baby is now my little Dove. Dovie. Lovely Dove. I looked up the symbolic meaning of the The Dove and of course it is a pre-Christian symbol for the yoni, the entrance into the divine feminine.
It seems if I shifted from utter fear to utter excitement. I am now in super-power-radical-mama mode. I CAN DO THI! I am bad-ass. I am tough and gentle and I am going to load all my kids, all three of them and my two hairier than hell dogs in my big-ass bio-diesel truck, or my wicked veggie run Westy (because no way in hell will i mini-van it as lovely as they are and all…) and we are going to do great things like hike hills and pick berries and explore new terrain and all around be the kind of mom I always saw myself being. I will not be tied to indoor activity anymore, feeling so trapped in suburban heat-stroke and mommy isolation boredom. I will become Empowered Empress of Too Many Off-Spring in my rain-gear, polka dot knee-high rubbers and all and we will take on the great wet outdoors. We celebrate the rain! School will become the shore and the forest. Fun will become a walk on the boardwalk drinking cocoa and splashing puddles. I can see it so near that I can taste it. I can. It tastes like cream of broccoli soup. IOr maybe salty miso with little cubes of tofu floating in it. I want this for this baby. For this family. I need this. Shifts happen for us. I guess you can say that I am obsessed with moving to make this whole thing complete and real. Maybe not too healthy. So fucking what. It’s my life. I obsess.
This baby is, of course, so different than the other 2. Her energy (did I just say her?) is connected, communicative. She asks to be talked to. The girls out their ears to my belly to listen.
I hear the baby bubbling! Mia
Baby is good. Baby good. Sula
As we put our head on the pillow to sleep, I love you mama and I love the baby in your belly, too. Ahhh, I love you too, Mia. Baby loves you, too.
I took some advice from my friend Chris. Her kids put gem stones on her growing belly. I decided that was a good way for the girls to connect with this little one, and so they can feel their own power in this pregnancy. So each night we settle down and they pick amethyst and tiger’s eye, obsidian and citrine, quarts and some rocks my sister got on her trip to Medjagore. They lay them in a line on my belly. They whisper words of love. Then they fight over who gets to move what stone where. Then they fight over who gets to take what stone off me. Then they fight over who gets to play ‘pretend’ with each stone. Usual, beautiful, wonderful stuff. And then I remind them to send more love. And they do. And then they run off. And I get to lie down there, alone, stones cooling my belly off. Baby not yet making movements known to me, but I wait, patiently to feel the quickening of its life.
My food cravings have been unreal. Since I don’t puke much anymore, food has become somewhat of a friend. I live to eat, so not being able to enjoy food for two months was torture. It was like all the joy in my life…gone. Food is joy to me, all kinds; it is my ritual, my entertainment, my method of connecting with people. We sit down and enjoy eating. So to not be able to, or to throw up everything swallowed, that was PURE HELL. But that has lifted. I am still not really into much, but we are getting a groove on once again with eating.
Baby is without a doubt, 99% vegan. Any animal product will come up with the hour. Dairy, meat, eggs. Bad. Except for copious amounts of Bob’s Big Boy Blue Cheese Dressing
MB, you going to eat a carrot with the dressing? He hands me the large stainless steel soup ladle. Why don’t you just use this to eat it? Hey, wifey, I filled the bath with Bob’s Big Boy…jump in!
Just couldn’t seem to get enough of the stuff. Really. Have you tried it? Beware, thought. The gas it brings about is just about lethal.
And now my dairy product of choice is cottage cheese. Haven’t had the curds for years and now every morning I must eat them. With blueberries. Raspberries. Walnuts. On average I eat about 3 ruby red grapefruits a day and squeeze a totally of 6 lemons in glasses of water. Japanese soba noodles saturated in tamari or Braggs, mixed with sunflower seed butter and completely covered in toasted sesame seeds is what I cannot, cannot live without. Pesto. Pesto on pasta. Pesto on crackers. Pesto on a tortilla. Pesto on a spoon. Smoothies. Banana. Berries. Protein powder. Molasses. Some sort of kids greens powdered flavored like chocolate, goat yogurt (my other non-vegan delight), soy milk. Red skinned potatoes covered in salt and Earth Balance. Dark chocolate covered anything. Especially Betty Lou’s North Shore Bars. Ohmygod. These things are so freaking finger-lickin’ tasty. Black licorice by the pound. Coconut popsicles by the hour. My green stone necklace that was gift from Courtney. I feel naked without it. Kiehls grapefruit scented body wash and lotion gifted to me by the angelic Bella. American Apparel scarves to wrap around my belly. My mother’s love and support. My children snuggled in tight next to me at night. My husbands large hands across my stomach as we pass out exhausted on the floor after a very long, hot day getting this house ready (still) for the beautiful and amazing people who are coming very soon to buy it from us at a price oh so close to what we ask. Blessed Be.
