chubby yoni.
I know. What a way to describe something. And it’s not really my yoni, exactly, but the pubic area, the upper pubix, the spot where if you are into maintanence it is just a neat triangle or strip of hair and if you aren’t it’s the area that would qualify you for Big Beautiful Bush Magazine (like me). Regardless, the bottom line: I have what looks like a package almost big enough to satisfy penis admirers of all kinds. It’s a bulge that runs diagonally across my hair area. It throbs, like a cock. There is heavy blood flow to the area and it gets hot, like a cock; except that it’s not a cock. And the throbbing hurts like hell. I mean, I have to stand on one leg to relieve pressure. It’s what my midwife thinks is a varicosity. Down there. How fucking wrong is that?
I will admitt, at times the heaviness and aching have been totally unnatural and unbearable. I guess I have to give up those squats I so love with the weights. Even my precious SweetnessSash isn’t going to cure this thing. It’s supposed to be hereditary, but my mother, who carried 7 children, had nothing of the sort. The woman never even got a stretch mark. And now, less than 3 kids away, and I have grown a vein the size of a cocktail weiner in my groin.
After poking away at it, Midwife sighs and walks into the other room. She comes back with a brochure in her hand.
I don’t even want to give this to you. She says this shaking her head and holding the tri-fold paper.
She is kinda trying to swallow her smile.
What in god’s name do I have to wear? I sensed only a horrible contraption was going to take care of this vein and only something god awful would make her hesitate in handing it over to me.
She hands me a brochure. It is covered with the most ghastly models wearing the most horrifying girdle thing I have ever seen. It looked like a mix between the Kotex belts of the 50’s and 60’s and a girdle for someone really trying to squash their goods all down to nothing.
NO! nonononononononono!
M laughs as doesWonderful midwife Apprentice, C.
You don’t even wear underwear!! C says to me, in sympathy, yet I can see that after a long day of prenatals this may be the humor they needed.
I pass the brochure over to Bill.
Kinky, ain’t it baby? We’ll cut a hole in it and make it crotchless. Does it turn you on? And then I ask, Well, will it make me look skinny, at least. If I’m gonna wear a girdle it better make me look skinny.
And all day today I can barely walk from the pain in my vein under my pubes. I had decided that I would not buy the girdle, named Fembrace, yet. I would wait until I could not deny this any longer. Right now I live in pain and look like a hermaphrodite in my bikini (no offense to hermaphrodites) but what will it be like in 4 more months? Denial may be just about over.
And now I am freaked out because after a 10-day internet fast, I got back on and searched and searched for info on what this condition could bring about. prolonged 2nd stage of labor. abnormal bleeding during birth. blood clots. I have never once, not in either of my other pregnancy have felt the desire to receive any medical care (see a doctor). But I do now. And this scares the shit out of me. So much that I have been putting off calling a doctor for a week.
For a good laugh on me (or to send me a pity party), log on to www.fembrace.com. Oh, and it’s still at least 105 degrees in the desert. Won’t that be a comfy fit in the heat.
