chubby yoni.
I know. What a way to describe something. And it’s not really my yoni, exactly, but the pubic area, the upper pubix, the spot where if you are into maintanence it is just a neat triangle or strip of hair and if you aren’t it’s the area that would qualify you for Big Beautiful Bush Magazine (like me). Regardless, the bottom line: I have what looks like a package almost big enough to satisfy penis admirers of all kinds. It’s a bulge that runs diagonally across my hair area. It throbs, like a cock. There is heavy blood flow to the area and it gets hot, like a cock; except that it’s not a cock. And the throbbing hurts like hell. I mean, I have to stand on one leg to relieve pressure. It’s what my midwife thinks is a varicosity. Down there. How fucking wrong is that?
I will admitt, at times the heaviness and aching have been totally unnatural and unbearable. I guess I have to give up those squats I so love with the weights. Even my precious SweetnessSash isn’t going to cure this thing. It’s supposed to be hereditary, but my mother, who carried 7 children, had nothing of the sort. The woman never even got a stretch mark. And now, less than 3 kids away, and I have grown a vein the size of a cocktail weiner in my groin.
After poking away at it, Midwife sighs and walks into the other room. She comes back with a brochure in her hand.
I don’t even want to give this to you. She says this shaking her head and holding the tri-fold paper.
She is kinda trying to swallow her smile.
What in god’s name do I have to wear? I sensed only a horrible contraption was going to take care of this vein and only something god awful would make her hesitate in handing it over to me.
She hands me a brochure. It is covered with the most ghastly models wearing the most horrifying girdle thing I have ever seen. It looked like a mix between the Kotex belts of the 50’s and 60’s and a girdle for someone really trying to squash their goods all down to nothing.
NO! nonononononononono!
M laughs as doesWonderful midwife Apprentice, C.
You don’t even wear underwear!! C says to me, in sympathy, yet I can see that after a long day of prenatals this may be the humor they needed.
I pass the brochure over to Bill.
Kinky, ain’t it baby? We’ll cut a hole in it and make it crotchless. Does it turn you on? And then I ask, Well, will it make me look skinny, at least. If I’m gonna wear a girdle it better make me look skinny.
And all day today I can barely walk from the pain in my vein under my pubes. I had decided that I would not buy the girdle, named Fembrace, yet. I would wait until I could not deny this any longer. Right now I live in pain and look like a hermaphrodite in my bikini (no offense to hermaphrodites) but what will it be like in 4 more months? Denial may be just about over.
And now I am freaked out because after a 10-day internet fast, I got back on and searched and searched for info on what this condition could bring about. prolonged 2nd stage of labor. abnormal bleeding during birth. blood clots. I have never once, not in either of my other pregnancy have felt the desire to receive any medical care (see a doctor). But I do now. And this scares the shit out of me. So much that I have been putting off calling a doctor for a week.
For a good laugh on me (or to send me a pity party), log on to www.fembrace.com. Oh, and it’s still at least 105 degrees in the desert. Won’t that be a comfy fit in the heat.
If only brilliant, in-your-face writing could cure this. You’d be in the clear for sure. I’ve never heard of such a thing. I’m so sorry. Truly.
Comment by Ninotchka — September 15, 2007 @ 1:13 pm
Well, looky there: those things are ON SALE, two for 99.95! You can stock up!
Oh girl, I hope you go to that Dr. soon. And then burn that brochure.
Comment by Leigh — September 15, 2007 @ 3:52 pm
you’re in all that pain and still witty as hell.
i’m so sorry you have to deal with this. it sounds awful. hope you find some relief soon even if it is with those sex-ay girdle undies.
hugs,
amy
Comment by Crunchy Domestic Goddess — September 15, 2007 @ 5:28 pm
Okay. Given that I had problems with my nether-region veinage on my first pregnancy (not quite as bad as you describe), I am now terrified…
Remind me to tell you about the “bursty thing” some time…
Comment by Heather — September 15, 2007 @ 6:46 pm
Oh dear. I’m not sure if I should laugh or cry, you poor thing. However it comes about, I hope you find some relief. And avoid all of those icky possibilities you read about on the internet.
On another note … 10 day internet fast. That sounds like a grand idea. I may have to try it.
Comment by gearhead mama — September 15, 2007 @ 6:57 pm
Oooh, I know from experience that is no fun. Showed up with my second (I have 4) running along the edge of my right labia and I was convinced I had a tumor. Showed up bigger and earlier with each subsequent pregnancy. But it never affected L&D in any way. Hopefully yours won’t be anything more than a pain in the yoni…
Comment by Bobbi — September 16, 2007 @ 2:15 am
Oh you poor gal. I had leg varicosities my last pregnancy so I had to wear support hose (Jobst stockings), of medium weight, for four months. I loathed them at first, but I had the hardest darn time giving them up after I had Moira (save for the fact that putting the suckers on 8-months pregnant sucks big-time). Truly, they worked. Alleviated all sorts of pain in my legs. I feel for you, though. ‘Down there’ - youch. I know it will help, though, if you end up having to wear the, erm, supports.
Comment by Joanna — September 16, 2007 @ 3:14 am
Oh Dear, that sounds like a horrible condition, which - I have to say - you managed to describe pretty funnily. Hang in there, I hope you’ll find a way to be much more comfortable.
Comment by Sanne — September 16, 2007 @ 10:32 am
Fembrace looks awful, but the pain sounds awful too. When I was on bedrest I got terrible swelling in the nether regions and when nurse would check me it was like their eyes became big as saucers. Gee thanks. I wanted to tell them all you try lying here prolonging labor with twins for weeks.
Comment by Beth — September 16, 2007 @ 7:23 pm