room with a view. or blessing in disguise.
Ok, so I guess you can say having to short sale your house sucks. I mean, a year an a half later I am packing again, weeding out, lifting, cleaning, saying goodbye and hello all in one breath. As I look closely inside that seed of suckiness I recognize it’s worth in weight though, for what it really is. It’s not that loved that house so much. I didn’t. It’s not that I even LOVED living completely rural, as a matter of fact, it was getting old, especially not doing it the way I always planned; off the grid and bio-dynamic. Instead we were living in an ineffecient farmhouse and driving more often than a suburban communter. I won’t gloss over the fact that it’s complete after-life state of gorgeousness out there, because I have never lived anywhere more beautiful or full of vibrating life. The bottom of a bowl-like valley basically at sea level is powerfully profound living. The apple orchard alone on my old property is a kalidescope of health and magic. But the drive and the isolation were at times debilitating, depressing for me.
But what sucks? The attachement to an idea, a system, a belief.
The first being attached to the cultural idea that parents of three children should not be losing houses and moving again. I am attached to the idea that smart people don’t let this happen. And that is BULLSHIT, and yet, I can’t help but link in so closely to that system, that system that makes you scared of risk, of floating, of not knowing, of not caring. And then being attached to my sub-cultural system as well, that I am suppose to be living in the country, with nothing but the land, communing with nature, teaching my children the laws of Earth. Tha my kids will thrive with tons of outdoor space and nothing to do but play with sticks and river rock. But that is total bullshit, to. Kids thrive when parents thrive.
And so really, I am attached to some dream that I thought I was trying to live but really it wasn’t even my dream. Talk about being force to get really clear on what you want, or what you have or what you shouldn’t even try to get. And that is what I am sitting with right now. Letting dreams go. Letting them fly away with the wind. I don’t navigate my dreams, and if I do they kick me in the ass. like anything else that permiates with creative life, they have to be released. Instead, I think I better let them carry me. I’m just here for the ride.
And then, in the end, we got a place that when I lay in my bed when the sun is about to go down and look to the left, this is what I see.
"
The sea lulls me into deep sleep. And of course, I have had to come face to face again with this fear. And it’s good. It reminds me to not get to attached to this stellar view and these fir floors and vintage pink and brown wallpaper. Water, at any moment, can take it all down, washing us away down to the bones.
And so we are settling in. Not close to moved or unpacked, but still enjoying the new place, the proximity to water and the ‘city’ and people everywhere. We are eating mush for breakfast, taking walks out on the pier, pooping pink crayon filled poops (Mama. Pinkpoop. Mama. Poop. Pinkpoop). We are eat the Dungeoness crab and juicy and meaty plums gifted to us by new neighbors. We picking our favorite cozy spots, writing spots, playing spots, garden spots. We fall asleep listening to the swish of water and the caw of seabirds and the enterance of the Alaskan ferry.
I can’t help but feel it, that in each moment, the blessings are abundant, sometimes they just come as monsters we presume to be scary. But when I let my ideas go, I can begin to see the godly light in even the most frightful of eyes.
The view heals.
Soak it up like the last bit of that sunset.
xoxo
Comment by MereMortal — September 8, 2009 @ 5:28 pm
If it makes you feel better, we had to walk away from the house in Mesa. The banks refused to work with us when we tried to be “responsible” and get the payments lowered so that we could rent it. No one would buy it for anywhere near what we paid, so now it’s in foreclosure. AND I HAVE A PH.D.!!! Talk about confronting those nasty “shoulds”. It’s so easy to let your self-worth be affected by these kinds of things, but the bottom line is that we’re way happier in this house that we’re renting in a town that I love. So long as I don’t judge myself by what I “should” be doing, it’s all good.
That view is amazing. I’m glad that you can breathe again.
Comment by Heather — September 8, 2009 @ 7:07 pm
What a view…
Comment by Becca — September 8, 2009 @ 8:09 pm
Awesome!! I’m checking airfare rates right now.
Comment by Vanilla Pimple — September 8, 2009 @ 8:53 pm
I love how you find incredible views no matter where you are.
Comment by sweetsalty kate — September 9, 2009 @ 1:09 am
Finding the silver lining isn’t always easy. It’s always there, but often not readily apparent. Kudos to you, for seeing the shine already. xo
Comment by gearhead mama — September 9, 2009 @ 1:32 am
MB - Oh, how I love you. This paragraph articulates so beautifully so much of what I’m living in. It makes me yearn to sit with you in your new pad talking about this stuff and not talking about this stuff, just being with you. And the new view. Oy! It is so freakin’ fantastic I can hardly stand it. And the pink poop, too.
“And so really, I am attached to some dream that I thought I was trying to live but really it wasn’t even my dream. Talk about being force to get really clear on what you want, or what you have or what you shouldn’t even try to get. And that is what I am sitting with right now. Letting dreams go. Letting them fly away with the wind. I don’t navigate my dreams, and if I do they kick me in the ass. like anything else that permiates with creative life, they have to be released. Instead, I think I better let them carry me. I’m just here for the ride.”
xo J
Comment by Jena — September 9, 2009 @ 5:43 pm
Dear One -
Like you, I’ve had recurring tidal wave dreams. They have usually been scary. Once or twice I cam through, empowered. Had them, had them, had them. One day/night, they stopped.
You are strong, you are safe.
Comment by Aina — September 22, 2009 @ 3:45 am