misplaced mama

I like it here.

Earth.

This is new thing for me to say seeing I thought I always missed target and landed a few planets off. But something about today, the tune the wind whistles and the way white caps on the water pop, this place is okay.  It’s home.

While I was vacuuming this morning, blaring M.I.A in a way too small tank top that was totally stretched out from the baby pulling the neckline for boobs all night, I looked up and noticed out my picture window that the construction workers from across the street where looking over toward my house. I look down. My boobs are totally hanging out. I am not so sure they can see that far away, such detail, the sun glaring a bit. But I thought, fuck it. What other planet gives a woman a better set of night-nights. Even though mine point down this days and there are little lines like rivers all over them, I like them. Let the workers look. Enjoy boys! Have fun on Earth.

I also like this planet for other reasons. For instance, life can be really good at the same time it totally sucks. I don’t sleep. Every morning I wake up and look like I had a cocaine and mojito binge the night before. My man is still working like a dog. I haven’t seen him at home in four days. Yes, that means he comes home so late and exhausted, way after I go to bed, which means we have countertops covered in dishes (he’s my dish man). It also means the girls take out missing their daddy out on me. Lots of I Hate You. And You’re Stupid, Mama! Which is valid. I am the one who does the impulse buying like antique Italian made, mother of pearl key accordions and vintage red leather mini-skirts. And mini-vans.

I miss him. He misses me. He is on the verge of being sick. So am I.

But at the same time, our hearts speak magic. We are so provided for.

I am getting to study midwifery with these folks here in Bellingham I just got offered the deal of the life on an vintage bio-diesel flatbed truck which will become something, but not totally, like this (shhhh, it’s his birthday gift). I FINALLY finished (well so close) my treatment and pitch for something so special I hope you get to see it in moving action someday. And in about 1 week I am done, sending it off, hoping that all my hard work and years of hand-jobs in Los Angeles will pay off somehow. Or maybe it’s just my karma. And maybe nothing will happen with it at all except I DID IT. I am not an outcome kind of person. The process is so much more interesting to me. And for the past nine months, nine months TO THE DATE, I have created a world of characters; subversive, controversial, ordinary people. What I can say is that it has something to do with midwifery and Los Angeles and writers and hookers and it could possibly have more unadulterated vaginas ever to be shown on cable television. How could one resist that?

So I have been busy living this, not dreaming it, but living it. I spent so many years dreaming. Now it’s time to show up to my life.

And each step I take I can feel the Earth support me. Really hold me up. How very kind of her considering She could just toss me off any time She damn well pleases.

* * *

My girls are becoming Jesus freaks. It’s so great. I can say this because I am firmly a zen pagan punk rock yogi rasta atheist.. It all started last week with the Strega Nona book-on-tape we grabbed from the library. Tomie Di Paolo’s Strega Nona does Christmans, and even though she is a witch in Calabria, Italy, she still knows Christmas has a magic all on it’s own. It also holds a handful of super serious Christmas tunes. A lot of Christ the Kings and Baby Born in Bethlehem and good stuff like that. Mia sings along loud and with gusto. I almost want to go to church just so she can be in the choir. And last night in bed Sula smuggled in a book that my Aunt Betty sent last Christmas. Aunt Betty is an Old School Catholic, not bible reading, but totally Jesus and Mary loving. I try to put this book in the back of the shelve because reading it sort of scares me, but in reality, it’s totally fine, practically benign. It’s about a little girl who stresses on Christmas Eve because she doesn’t leave Baby Jesus a gift. Her mother soothes her and the little girl teaches the mother the true lesson of Love at Christmas.

So there was the little baby who lived with the angels and magical winged creatures at The Source. He wanted to come to Mama Earth to because wanted to remind everyone here that we should all Love each other. He found the belly of a compassionate goddess mama and then he was born at home, in a barn under a magical star, just like you all were. And then he grew up walking with his friends telling people to remember we are all brothers and sisters, that we should all just love each other.

They cuddle in close to me. Before Mia closes her eyes she says, I love you Jesus.

I am not the least bit anything. I bring my kids up so absent dogma that it’s amazing to see what will resonate with them, what opens their hearts. They watched me Hallow’s Eve put out the skulls and the wine and the chocolate and carefully laid out the photos of our ancestors. They watched me paint symbols of witchery and lore all over my body before I took them out trick or treating. They hear me talk to the plants. They came from my womb. They know. I trust that always, they will know.

I trust.