birthlife.
The birth story evolves every day of our lives. It changes and morphs and it facelifts, changes clothes, speaks in different languages, it dances, marches and scampers. In my life it whispers to me lessons of the everyday, the bigger and the smaller. This story only comes from you, and your child and just like in life, you can receive insight, you can be witnessed, but the story is fully our own. This is why (in my opinion) I find importance in sharing them. They tell a living story, not just a moment or a day in a life, but Life as it Is.
Wounds have been reopened. And I feel them deeply. I don’t suffer within them or wallow. I don’t complain. I am grateful. They heal and reopen often. But I don’t want wounds to be my guide. Nor do I want my wounds to be the bonding force between me and you. Please no. Wounds might draw us together, but let’s know the time when we can connect because there’s something more; personal celebration or the fact that we both love wearing our hair messy and can’t get off the dub reggae via Pandora. Whatever. I don’t want to attract people because of my pain. Period.
Saying that. My preface of sorts.
I remember when their hands were all the way up me. I say they, but I am sure it was just one. She was posterior. And in some circles of training, posterior babies don’t make their way out easy. So what you do is go up there and internally rotate the baby and bring it down. Well this made her fly out. My fibers split open to my ass. It hurt worse than any moment of labor. She was pissed when she came out, though silent, I could still tell. She was my child after all. But I didn’t know why, not then. It took her a long time to breath. Her nailbeds were pink. Lovely rosey cheeks. She was fine. But the breathing thing can scare a caregiver. Can scare anyone. Her dad and I were sure she was ok, though, this was spoken through our hearts. And she was. After she kicked away the oxygen masked and kept grabbing at the aspirator tube to yank it out of her mouth, we were pretty sure she was fine. She still wasn’t really breathing and we all begged her too, rubbed her , sang to her, named her. She would gargle and make little whimpers like she just MIGHT come into this world. But she wanted to stay in her own world, just for a moment longer. Or two moments. And now I think: Of course baby, take as long as you need, you’ll come to me when you are ready. But then I thought: BREATHE!!!! PLEASE!!!! GOD DAMNIT BREATHE!
Her daddy walked outside with her. He introduced her to our dogs. And to the sky and the early morning sun. And the busy Los Angeles street we lived on. He told her that she was here now and if she needed, he would give her his life so she could stay. She took her first breath. And then another. And then the big cry came.
This was an hour after the birth.
They, my gracious and beautiful midwives, apologized to my girl and to me. They should have known she was okay by her coloring. It was evident she was going to be fine. I appreciated, and still do, how dedicated they were to their role. They showed me that they knew what they were doing and if they couldn’t do it, a doctor would be called. But in frantic moments of that very final stage of labor, after the mama and baby come together, I felt rather helpless. I felt like I had all she needed, and she wasn’t in my arms.
I don’t wish it any other way. Not in the least bit. This was Mia’s story. It still is. As a matter of fact recently I began to realize how connected she still is to that story. My daughter Mia is the definition of willful. She “needs” me to literally pull her from one situation to the next. Transition cause her great grief, mountains of drama. She stops breathing when she cries. She turns completely purple. Refuses to let the air come or go. Recently her dad and I have become aware that we practically YELL at her to BREATHE when we see this happening. We look her in the eyes and say “take a deep breath, let it out, BREATHE MIA!” and through her sobs and gasps for air she looks at us and says: I WILL WHEN I AM READY!
Oh. Yeah. I see. Of course you will. You will when you are ready. I can’t force you to breath. I tried that once before. Her birth, a foreshadowing? Perhaps? More likely a continuous gift for me to remember that I need to let her come and go when she is ready, trusting her, that indeed she will breath when she is ready. She will do it all when she is ready. My hands don’t need to get all up in her life and PULL her out.
Some of the thicker-headed ones of us (ME!) need that story to draw from. Do I wish I could just be that mother to her all on my own? Sure, but at least I am not learning it from a parenting book which is telling I better start giving more Fish Oils and a stricter bedtime. I am learning from the roots of her life.
(the less interesting yet practical information here is that my following 2 daughters were posterior as well and were completely left alone to come out of me. The labors where short and normal and each of them actually came out of me “sunny side up”. My pelvic formation obviously keeps them posterior for safety and easier birthing for me.)
This is why birth matters. No, it doesn’t matter how. Or where. Or what music is playing in the background. There is no right or wrong! It just matters. Period. It matters because it begins our narration for life. I believe that narration holds information for the rest of the story to unfold. This is why it’s sacred. This is why it’s transformational. Not because it happened in a particular way, not because of the outcome even. Mia’s story was told to me and I didn’t even get it then, but six years later, it’s a tool for me on how to parent her, it’s really a tool for me to remember how to live. I sometimes forget. So I reach into the storybook and go all the way back.
Today my birthstory is this. How is happens it happens. I wasn’t able to go to my midwifery training today. My sitter was unable to sit. It was a fluke. I was totally sulking. I tried to even bring the baby to class, which was received well, but as you can imagine….an excited 2 year old is distraction when we are trying to learn acupressure points. I quietly excused myself.
Why?
Well so I could sit and read Jamberry Jamberry and Whose Baby Am I? to her all morning (the other girls did have childcare, just not the baby). And gorge out on this delightful little mix of brown rice puffed cereal, brown rice syrup, sunflower seed butter, pumpkin and hemp seed, coconut oil, all mashed up and then spread out and refrigerated.
It was so I could write this. And sit quietly while she napped to bleed and bleed, reminding me that now is not my time to hold life, but to offer it up instead.
Some life, from me to you. Can you feel it? Please, feel free to send some back.
Blessings.
Sending you life, in the form of my baby kicking in my womb.
Thank you for always sharing your BirthLife story with me.
xoxo
Comment by MereMortal — January 21, 2010 @ 12:12 am
The story of our life, how birth unfolds and how it matters - I ‘get it’ more all the time too. Our stories begin and end somewhere, in some moment. And that is sacred space and time, no matter what it looks like, how it sounds, who is there. So thank you for this beautiful reminder.
Comment by Brooke — January 21, 2010 @ 3:55 am
As Leigh said, the baby squirming away in here and I thank you for your gift of wisdom. I am days from meeting this gift and I hope you will send me any more wisdom and strength and power of however you pray this way. That would mean the world to me.
Much love …
Comment by Rebekah — January 21, 2010 @ 7:54 am
Mary Beth, Your original post on bleeding, (I can’t remember when it was written) pulled me out of the funkiest funk, and turned me into a bleeding woman warrier…
It is so right that you are doing this midwife training. It is the combination of the wisest version of you, these beautifully real birth experiences of yours, and the way you really understand and honour this process.
You are definately someone I’d want around when our time comes.
Lots of life and love right back at you, from very far away. X
Comment by hayley — January 21, 2010 @ 8:36 am
bleeding wisdom.
i am totally immersed in my son’s birth after reading this. his story. i am completely there, in it, learning from it.
thank you, mb. thank you for being my midwife through life.
Comment by jessamyn — January 22, 2010 @ 1:32 am
i love you all.
i just had a thought about birth stories…can we read them like ancient texts, decoded and yet so obvious? we read text and follow instructions from masters over thousands of years ago, and yet why, as a culture, do we not scribe and re-scribe, translate and pass on the birth story, reading it like the Tao, everlasting and unnameable, knowing and yet in the end, just words….
marybeth
Comment by misplacedmama — January 22, 2010 @ 1:55 am
Oh yeah. Sometimes it is still a surprise when all the answers have always been there and it takes a birth to create a healing crises. And then a healing. And what of those birth stories that aren’t offered up? So many mysteries. So many forces trying to show us the path. Thank you, darling.
Comment by marinah — January 22, 2010 @ 2:35 am
Your words have such a deep affect on me. Tears in my eyes. This post and the one after it about motherhood as your practice - these comes as gentle hands, turning my face back towards what I need to turn towards. Sometimes I think I have strayed so far, but then I remember that I’m right here and so are they and I don’t want to miss it, rush, impose, get my hands all up in their lives when they will do exactly what they need to do when they are ready.
And yes, the birth stories, each one is like a code. I think of them as containing all of the clues, like you said, a foreshadowing. I look at my girls now and I think about their journeys here, and they are one and the same - the journey, how they came, and who they are becoming. And then I think about how much I interfere and it makes me want to step back with reverence and patience and gratitude and give them more room, more space, to just be.
You are such a gift.
Comment by Jena — January 26, 2010 @ 6:20 pm
just gorgeous. mama, you give me courage! if jamberry is where it’s at right now, so be it!
Comment by kendra — January 26, 2010 @ 9:36 pm
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Comment by Sharon — January 28, 2010 @ 4:50 pm
This is a great read MB! Cant wait to read more! Happy Birthday Z!
Comment by Suggaface — January 30, 2010 @ 6:35 pm
Oh mb, catching up after being away for a while. This:
“This is why birth matters. No, it doesn’t matter how. Or where. Or what music is playing in the background. There is no right or wrong! It just matters. Period. It matters because it begins our narration for life. I believe that narration holds information for the rest of the story to unfold. This is why it’s sacred. This is why it’s transformational. Not because it happened in a particular way, not because of the outcome even. Mia’s story was told to me and I didn’t even get it then, but six years later, it’s a tool for me on how to parent her, it’s really a tool for me to remember how to live. I sometimes forget. So I reach into the storybook and go all the way back.”
This speaks the most truth to me that I have heard in a long time. Maybe ever?
It sounds like my M and your Mia have a lot in common. Willful. Yeah. Sophie’s birth and life have been straightforward as hell. Not always easy, no, and she has one hell of a temper. But her story is simple and easy to read and understand, and yes, it speaks volumes about who she is and how she approaches life. But M? Her story is deep and long and tangled, shrouded in fog for me so much of the time, just as she is today, going on 5 years later. Your post is a reminder that I need to revisit that story and look deeper. Thank you.
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