the practice.
On our second day of class we were asked to go around the circle and speak of our spiritual practice. For a moment I was taken back in time, to a day where I actually had a daily spiritual practice. Morning space of quiet where i stayed in bed and processed the dreamtime, wavered back and forth between the veils. Yoga in the garden. Sitting meditation. A hike to a river alone. Journal writing. Earth Medicine and long days spent wandering the mountain sides on altered states. Fasts. Dancing. You name it, 7 years or so ago, I had time to do it. But now is now.
And when it came time for me to speak, I realized I had nothing to say but this. Motherhood. Motherhood is my practice. Trying to pay attention with a heart full of love. Picking up the scattered books with care. Washing dishes so they are clean. Holding a hand, noticing the warmth and smallness of it in my own. Watching her eyes change from brown-brown to orange brown in sunlight. Breathing along side as they slowly fall asleep. Letting go of any expectation about how long it can possibly take to pick out and put on a pair of socks. Reading Amelia Bedalia for the 6th time {in a row} and actually listening to the story instead of wandering away in my mind full of lists while my mouth chattered out the words. Chopping a red pepper with care. Spreading butter on the 10th piece of toast that day. Tickling a belly. Whispering in an ear. Sometimes in there we light candles, shake our otter fur rattle, bang a ceremonial drum, and sing songs in sanskrit. Sometimes we all do downward dog and tree pose. But mostly not. Mostly we just drink hot cocoa and eat pastries and listen to the old man play his banjo at the firehouse turned coffee shop down the street and talk about dragons and warrior princesses.
This isn’t new news. It’s old school. But it was made new to me that morning. Here I was, a stranger in a circle of women, some of them not mothers {interesting side note: it’s incredible all the very young and childless women drawn to midwifery. Inspiring} and 95% of them not knowing me in the least. Expressing this to many women who practice a lot of really cool things on a regular basis and me being okay, fine, centered and serious when I claim Motherhood as my practice. It’s not monthly sweatlodges. Or daily Kundalini class. Or hourly chakra cleansing. But it is mine. And what Is, is Love.
Expressing it made it clear to me that I better get deeper in it, practice it more. It was a gentle reminder to myself that it indeed is my Practice, and that the details of each moment should be held closely, watching them, loving them, listening to them. Paying attention, as Maezen says: Attention is love.
I am very grateful for this practice. Tonight sitting with Mia and Sula as they wandered into their own dream space, I glanced at the moon from the window, glowing and and foggy behind those marine clouds. And I sigh a great big sigh and I wonder, How the hell did I get here? And then: who cares! I am very in love and happy. I have three daughters. THREE DAUGHTERS. All full of life and sass and silliness and angst and hyper-activity, and curiosity, and creativity and fire and water and earth and air and nagging questions and whines and giggles and a bunch of other things. I am so grateful for this. My heart often feels like I don’t deserve them, this life. But then I remember, we all deserve it. We are all deserving. We’re here, aren’t we?
I just want to include gratitude in my spiritual practice as well. Today beauty and gifts unfolded in front of my eyes and I am thankful. Bowing down. Head touching ground.
A car that started. Morning chai in a big glass jug with coconut milk. April who graciously watched my girls while I was in class. Beginning the class with opening the Nadis and Tibetan yoga and standing meditation. Interesting and intriguing and amazing conversations about the WONDERS of the pineal gland and what it produces and what happens with it during birth. Brain Waves. Brain waves I am very thankful for, especially those nifty little delta waves. The ability to take my daughter to theater class. To get a slice of pizza when we are done. My husband, just having him in my life. His deep and soulful eyes. Him coming home and telling me that we YES, we will be getting new phones. Ones that work! Oh the simple things! The excitement that he brought our children when he magically appeared with four round rocky balls that he called Dragon Eggs. They are sleeping with them right now, keeping them warming. Tomorrow they will crack them open (perk of living with some one who makes things with stone….beautiful geodes from Brazil). This chocolate truffle cake from Mt. Bakery that ran out and got me in his long johns when I said if I didn’t get some chocolate in me that minute I might just die. My life. Still ground. Food. Water. Shelter. Community. My dog licking her paw underneath me. My mother. The Moon. My luck.
Oh there are so many things to be thankful for. Especially You. Yes you.
{and neil young. i don’t why, but i am totally called to post this video, i think one of his first public performances of heart of gold. but it speaks to me right now, strongly. the music doesn’t start for a minute or so as he digs around his pockets for the correct mouth harp, but it’s worth the wait.}
Beautiful post! I’m so happy to have found your blog. We have a lot in common! Yoga (I practice both Kundalini and Hatha styles), a Rose and Pearl (my firstborn is Rose - middle name and my second Pearl - also middle name), the awesome spiritual journey of motherhood, and a passion for birth. I am working to be a prenatal yoga instructor and a Lamaze certified educator. I can’t wait to read more in this blog. It is nice to find kindred spirits online.
Comment by Kelli — January 22, 2010 @ 4:08 pm
Thank you for your practice.
~ ~ ~ namaste ~ ~ ~
Comment by Stacy (Mama-Om) — January 23, 2010 @ 3:47 am
MaryBeth, I love you. Sometimes I just want to be you, I swear. xoxoxoxo
Comment by marianne — January 23, 2010 @ 4:56 pm
thanks for the reminder to love my practice, I get lost in the mundane and forget to truly enjoy my kids more often than I would like… xoxo
Comment by Chelsea — January 23, 2010 @ 6:55 pm
Oh MaryBeth…such a beautiful post. Thank you for the reminder that my life at home is my practice. Like you, (I think) I left teaching yoga to be a stay at home mum with my gorgeous boy. It was a lot to leave behind…felt like life at the time. But now I realize it was perhaps just a tool to better handle this beautiful practice I now have. Motherhood. It’s so incredible and you so beautifully captured all the little things that make it so rich. Thank you.xo
Comment by Debbie — January 23, 2010 @ 11:24 pm
Hi~
Reading your infectious posts ~contribute~ to my spiritual practice.
Much Love~
Carla Rose
Comment by Carla — January 24, 2010 @ 4:08 pm
At a quiet time today, I found myself thinking on your story of your practice. A friend wrote to me yesterday: Attention is Love. Another friend spoke this morning of her recent insight into parenting: Attention is Love. I’m a teacher and a mother. Both endeavors require that I know this. And I was so glad that you were able to speak to that in your circle. Thank you for writing about it.
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MB. its surreal, how we are brought together, even if for a moment, called by the words we choose to utter. thanks for your call sistah. this post was absolutely uplifting. your honesty and truth remain in my heart.
maria
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i just discovered your blog and i am just so happy to read your beautiful words. it’s like a breath of fresh, honest air. thank you, thank you, thank you.
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Marybeth,
I found you through Boho girl and have just been drinking up your words since. The things you express resonate so deeply with me. Thank you for writing them…
OM
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