my times up and secrets to share.
2 hour walk this evening, all alone. I look inside the windows of other people’s houses and dream about living in them. That my couch was their couch and not my dog peed and torn one. And their floors where mine, all shiny and sharpie-drawling-less. And I’d slap myself and say STAY WHERE YOU ARE.
I am always roaming somewhere, by foot or by mind. A dreamer. Nothing wrong with it, but it has to made into art. It can’t stay floating in my head, taking me away from my beautiful and fantastic and perfect Now. Just like the anger I seem to have been born with, and the deep internal wail for social and environmental justice, and all the other fires that burn in my soul. They bring to places that don’t really exist. Places where I dream of doing something better, bigger, louder, more helpful. This has to be transformed into something, art, whatever. A roasted lump of marinated tofu. A garden. A baby. A song. A business plan. Or a puffy cloud of carbon dioxide released from the lung of our cells, gone and recycled back into the Earth as Her powerful Medicine.
I walked for two hours and the whole time was a reminder to stop being somewhere else. Like I said, I am a fucking late bloomer. I have enjoyed living somewhere that doesn’t really exist, wanting dreaming, planning, imagining. Manifestations comes from seeing all the flowers in front of our eyes right now. Saying thank you during each step. Throwing away our lists. Burning our vision boards. Destroying The Secret. The secret is this! Don’t keep any secrets. Say thank you and please while you’re at it. Enjoy the jeans with the holey crotch. Buy new ones when you can. Smile at the mess in the living room and stop looking in other people’s windows and wishing. Stop thinking about the life you always thought you’d have and live the one you got. Love. And love. And when your angry be angry and watch the anger make something that works for the world.
There is something happening in the sky. It’s incredible and rare and magically cool. Please don’t pigeon hole me as some Star Being Who Achieves New Age Goddessdom because I talk about the shapes in the sky (yeah, believe I’ve been containerized from my writing. little do people know I’m a pot belly pig farmer with a buzz cut from Nebraska that wears a baseball cap that says “don’t mess with your woman, dick”).
Anyway, there is something in the sky. A cross of some sort. 7 planets or stars or something aligned (see i don’t know much about much) and they form a cross, and this hasn’t happened before and regardless don’t you feel all wacked out this week? Like a wild and crazy woman/man? Is your ego asking to be released? Are your emotions a bit rollercoastery? And then there is some kind of star shower happening tomorrow night from the Pleidianville which is suppose to be a good show. Get outta the city and look up. Tell me what you see.
This is all happening and I feel it in my heart’s gut so it makes sense that my husband has taken home in the basement (again) because I can’t look at him right now and my chest feels like it’s not even mine but different, very, very different. And yeah, I said that right. My partner has been asked to spend some time living in THE BASEMENT.
Did I just admit that? It’s a nice basement and all, but why? This need to feel completely alone and blank and free. I asked him to spend time down there for awhile. Taking shifts with the kids, but him and I not really conversing or connecting, really energetically separated. I guess we’ll just have to see how it all flows but this feels right and good and part of whatever it is that is happening. I wish I missed him more, but what’s the point in missing anything? What is a miss anyway?
I also think I am angry about something and waiting for this anger to turn into art or the best field roast with beets and greens this planet has ever had. This is the first step. Saying it: Rationally, I do not want any more children. I don’t want my body to go through pregnancy again or more so, post partum again. I love my three perfect girls and like my husband said “let’s just focus on the people we have already”. I get it. I want to grow as their mother and begin to just be in the flow of them without the pending arrival of another person. But I am angry that he made it impossible for me to have another child with him. Impossible for me to practice what I have been doing for 7 years so well. I’m angry with him. Even though I signed the consent papers, while he was getting his hernias all fixed he gave the go ahead to the to doc soder his goods together so the sperm take a dive up instead of out. It’s not rational anger, he didn’t do anything wrong. But it’s anger all the same. And I can feel it burning a hole in my stomach lining.
OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMMM.
And last month, right after it happened, we tried. We said we’d try one last time while I ovulated and if the Universe wanted us to take care of one more soul, then so be it. He had 20 potent you-know-whats left and we used th first 5 trying. And then last week my moon blood came. I cried. And cried. And haven’t really stopped. And more compassion in the word came over me. And I got really, really thankful for my daughters and stopped and smelled between each of their toes and sniffed their heads until i could smell a tiny trace of my insides on them and touched eyelashes with them and made them blackberry milkshakes for breakfast.
Never again will we catch one of our babies together. Never again will I burrow my head into his neck and bite his flesh and wind my hips against his while we loved our baby out of me. We birth together like we make love together. And to close that book feels really sad to me. The day of birth for him and I was like a re-birth of our relationship each time. Now what? Magic mushrooms and a canoe out on a lake? Nothing in the world comes close to undisturbed birth between mama, the man and the babe. Nothing.
Wanna know something else? Sometimes if there is crap on the floor….a tag off something, a dirty straw, an old tissue, whatever, something that needs throwing away. I’ll pick it up and then find the closest place to stash it. A dresser drawer. A couch cushion. A plant pot stuffed deep in the soil. But not the garbage which could be a room or 2 away.
And my dreadlocks look like a bag ladies and yet I flaunt the insanity of their wildness around. It’s my statement that says fuck off, I’m a spiraling mess with bright green eyeliner.
The sky is crayola orange next to me. The doors are open and the breeze from the bay kisses my skin. Venus glows. The cross is out there. Lined up. Just for us. Why? How does it feel for you? I wonder what all our dreams will be like tonight. How will you harness that power?
Life seems intense right now. Not bad. No, no, no. Intense. Like the journey I have been on is taking a sharp turn around a mysterious corner. I like it. I’m scared. I’m free. So it’s gonna happen. Regardless life happens.
This is it. Last post that I keep my paypal tip jar opened. You can check out my past posts and donate to the cause if you want, but let me tell you something. I think next week I’ll be writing from a really nice new computer, quite possible the computer I have wanted for years. I am blown away by the generosity of people out there and their desire to support expression of the soul in one way or another. The amount of money in my paypal account is outrageous. And I thank you. All your thank you CD’s are being burned right now and getting ready to send out in the post. Your support means the world to me. I feel better about my work than ever before.
gorgeous.
Comment by Ninotchka — August 12, 2010 @ 1:24 pm
You know, even with a V they can go in and extract some of those guys for another child. Maybe it’s the “you can never….” that’s eating at you, even if you woudn’t anyway. IDK, but I wanted to say it in case it helps
Comment by Laura — August 12, 2010 @ 2:56 pm
we feel it here to. something in the stars. in the air. in the everything. its a powerful time right now. we are trying to manifest new paths in our lives. something is growing in this moon. something wonderful. and this time is just as special as the times that are to come.
xoxo
Comment by teresa — August 13, 2010 @ 2:27 am
i came back to say, i saw the first comment on here and wished i could delete it before you saw it, because i’ve gotten the same thing on my blog, from loved ones, no less. it feels like a stab in the heart to me and i hope it didn’t to you. lots of love and support coming to you my dear, you are doing great xoxo
Comment by sara jane — August 13, 2010 @ 4:55 pm
you will never stop birthing. it is who you are. you, your words, your story, your mystery ebbs and flows in the contractions of life. use that knowing, that power within you, to spill more love into the world.
Comment by jouette — August 17, 2010 @ 4:56 pm
you have it all.
xoxo
Comment by MereMortal — August 18, 2010 @ 8:39 pm
i’m clinging to the words your commenter, jouette reveal about the Substance and Soul of this tale and time.
Comment by wrecklessgirl — August 19, 2010 @ 10:19 pm
Sometimes I am sad that we are stopping at two. Not very often, but sometimes … yes. I am realizing, however, that my womb is the seat of my power, my creativity. I AM gestating and birthing right now - a new version of myself.
Much love xoxo.
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