sunday school. or words a mother doesn’t really want to hear.
I drive the craggy cliffside. As always the smooth bay water juxtaposes the rough and tumble of the earth’s edge. It’s where angry meets it’s peace. At least that is what I am telling myself. Even the roughest toughest only looks rough and tough and really, really deep down it’s still a reflection of this particular bay’s calm and easy love.
We blare a young hot emotional singer songwriter that the little one has an obsession with in the car. I’m not one for just guitar but he’s growing on me. I know this road well. The turns and dips and nooks I do with full intuition without a thought of what lies ahead. This is my stomping ground, my home.
Look at all the mist, the oldest yells from the back. It’ like we are driving through a cloud. But I think it’s just sea mist. Actually I think it’s a low hanging cloud.
Sometimes our clouds hang low. That’s just the way it is somedays, I guess.
Earlier my daughter told me she wanted to kill me.
It had something to do with a last minute amateur move of mine. I changed plans that went from going to a museum to heading to the beach. The rain dried up in a moment and dramatically leant way to that crystaline pacific sun. I saw the chance to get us all out in it. It’s been a dreary chilly week, but kids don’t like plan changes.
Really?
Yes.
You really want to kill me?
Yes.
Well, how would you like to do it?
WITH A KNIFE LIKE THE SEAL ROMEO AND JULIET. IN THE HEART.
Kids say the darndest things.
Where do I go from here? I am hesitant to share any of this because really she is like the snaggy graggy rough and tough road I am on. It’s only a reflection of the glossy water and expressed in it’s own unique way, that can be scary but raw and reveling. But with intuition and attention, it’s very easy to maneuver, it becomes joyful to cruise, it becomes home. And today her cloud hung low and i could see it in her eyes.
I am sensitive to my daughter. Would she really want me talking about this, her words exposed? No. And I am the Years Worst Mother for even writing about this. But I think it’s important. She’s 7. She’s about as energetically hormonal as my menopausal sister and her teenage daughter combined. The Seven year changed is Monumental. It’s a rite of passage, coming into one’s body, saying goodbye to the mystical world she once lived in and fully recognizing her part in this Earth tribe, this family, and she has her own karma here, her own work to do. It’s not easy growing up. Or becoming fully human.
As always I want to share the more intimate moments of parenting and often those aren’t just cute chubby baby legs in sparkly silver shoes and the fun gathering mushrooms in the woods. It’s not just seeing past my messy house and the sleepless nights and the all toast meals. The most poignant parenting breakthroughs i have had are in the most painful times, when I am sure I am fucking my child all up. When there is no doubt she came her with her great uncle Irving’s “nervous” issues. When I look in her eyes and I see longing, when I feel my own heart and I feel despair. Here is my black hole. I enter and I become boundless. It is my School and I get vacuumed to the front of the class. My child is my teacher and soul growth she offers when she opens up her anger to me, challenges me to take it and watches exactly what I will do with it.
I was taken back by these words. I was. I didn’t want to hear them like this. She sounded very sincere in her death threat. My heart was pained. I ached. And in all honestly I wanted to yell in her little face,” HOW DARE YOU!!!!” My eyes filled with tears. And I was pissed {moon blood also due any moment}. I gave this kid life and she tells me she wants to KILL ME? I began the whole lecture calmly on how we JUST CANT SAY THOSE KINDS OF THINGS TO PEOPLE {well sure we can} She shut down because she has a built in bullshit detector. . And then I went into trying to validate her feelings but it was completely, utterly inauthentic because I was hurt and confused and angry and I saw nothing valid at the moment. She glared at me. And so I gave myself a Mama Time Out. I went outside and sat on my porch while all 3 kids stood at the window looking out at my sobbing “will she come back? is going to leave? mama, come back in” MAAAAAMAAAAA I counted to seven. Breathing in and out. Went inside and told them all to get their boots and jackets on. We were going to the beach. Mama Nature needs to sooth us all.
I wasn’t going to talk about it with her. I knew how she felt. We all do. We all say things that that suck and we say them to people we love. It’s part of the ride, I suppose. And with each turn we try harder to be kind. I decided not to give it any attention. No reaction. My only response was to proceed like I always try to; with love and attention. We loaded in the car. She offered to carry the backpack down the trail. I thanked her for her offer and took her up on it.
Through puddles and over bridges, down rocky rooted hills and across railroad tracks. This is Clayton Beach, where we head when the aches need a roll out and our soul’s grime needs a bit of a cleanse. We come to get washed fresh through the forest moss and the salt air and the bald eagle’s cry. It’s where we play on sand hills and drag logs to make forts. It’s where I do 10 Sun Salutations in a row facing the sea and don’t give a damn that sand will occupy every crevice of my body when I am done.
She takes my hand and we walk through the last bit of the forest before the expansive light of water greets us at the trails end.
I miss Thunder. I really miss Thunder, Mama. He was my best dog. He was so nice.
I miss him, too.
I wonder what it’s like to be way up there, way up there where he is, at the Source. I want to go see him.
It’s not your time. I squeeze her hand. It’s coming full circle. I see it now.
I wish….I just wish I was good at…..
She jumps in a puddle.
These new boots are good. I just wish I could be better at something. I just not good at acting right, Mama.
You’re fine, sweetie. You’re just fine.
No I’m not.
I squat down and hug her. You are. You’re perfect. And I love you. No matter what.
And she smiles that smile. The one that I woke up looking down at me at the crack of dawn every morning from month 5 to month 9. That smile that shines through her low hanging clouds and smooths out her angry coastline. And I can see. She’s no less than rough and tough and no more than a calming sea. And all she needs is my love. Love is all she needs.



If I was the grandmother these words would make me proud.
Comment by Becca — January 24, 2011 @ 6:49 pm
Hmmm…. I wish there was a way to delet that comment. Could you do it for me, MB. that’s what I get for trying to read a blog and keeping the baby from falling to her demise on the steps. Anyway, I was here. Read your words and tucked them away for later when my own say such things.
Comment by Becca — January 24, 2011 @ 6:54 pm
thanks once again for the reminders …of honoring our kids’ shit-detectors and respecting the universal experience of saying mean things to the people we love. glad her hand found yours in the end.
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Gosh these things are so hard. I am preparing myself for my seemingly strong-willed daughter. But even my son has his bouts. I tend to focus on the feeling. My inclination I think would be to say: That must be a horrible feeling. Wow. To want to kill your own mother who loves you so much. I know how you feel. We all get angry. I hate when I feel like that though, that is really yucky and it feels terrible. And it just makes it feel worse to tell your mother something like that. You must feel disappointed with yourself. It’s okay. I know you don’t mean it. I love you so much even when you feel angry.” Maybe I do things all wrong but when I let Emilio (who I know has been easy to parent) take ownership of his own feelings and I accept them but don’t take them too seriously, it’s better. He went through a thing where he kicked me a lot when he was two, often while I would be changing him. I would grab his little leg mid-kick, and say, WATCH OUT, you almost kicked your mommy who loves you so much. You would be so sad if you accidentally hurt your mommy. I know how much you love me and I know you don’t want to hurt me” He’s always a little perplexed by my purported assuredness that he would never MEAN to do the bad thing he is doing. I used to tell my mom I hated her. She just never took me too seriously which kind of sucked but also maybe was better at the same time. i was just spending hte morning reading about how to discipline for lack of a better word stronger-willed children, since I have not had to exercise much discipline over my almost-4-yr-old. But my 15 month daughter already throws tantrums that I have never seen with him. I think she’s got my fighter spirit and is not going to be so easy to reason with, especially when hormonal. Hang in there, sister. S ounds like you handled it perfectly. I too am storing this anecdote away for a rainy day when it will surely come in handy.
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Thank you for sharing.
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Oh those kids - they know how to hurt to the core with words. Rosie used to scream at me (at 4 years old) “you’re ruining my life!” when I would tell her “no” to something - which always made me burst out laughing - and that made her even more mad. I am also taking notes on your gentle handling of the situation so I can model it later…
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My heart split open reading this, I see so much of my relationship with my oldest~ sending love and light and patience and the ability to find the breath in the moment to live this truth with her.
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i want this wisdom to live in me, always resounding.
will you be my forever teacher?
xoxo your sister in kid-death-threats.
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thank you so much for being so honest. sometimes it is difficult reading about perfect days and perfect lives all the time on so many mama blogs. i love that you can tell the raw truth of it and still end it the way it needs to end. with love. you are blessed. we all are. all of us tear stained snot crusted mothers!
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